How to stop fighting

Looking under the surface

Consider these situations:

A husband and wife who once loved and cared for each other are locked in a bitter divorce dispute. Through their lawyers, they resentfully argue about who should have what item in the house, who should have what financial asset, who should have what access to the children…

Two people who started a business together and enjoyed success are now fighting over how much of the company each one owns. Each claims they did the most work, invested the most, and deserves the most…

A company management and its factory workers, who previously enjoyed friendly relations, have been hard-ball negotiating for months about a new pay and conditions deal for the workers. The talks have completely broken down. The workers are striking. The management is trying to get them fired…

Two ethnically different peoples, who have lived peacefully together for centuries, are ripped apart by conflict. Their leaders now each claim the land they have lived on together all that time belongs to them, along with the water under the ground, and the food from the crops…

In such situations, skilled conflict mediators often request each side to sit in separate rooms.

Once in those separate rooms, each side sits in front of a piece of paper or flip chart and is asked to write on it words and phrases which answer this question:

“What, above all, is important for you and for those you really care about?”

After what is usually several hours of deep introspective thinking and writing, each side is then taken into the other room to look at what the other side wrote in response to the same question.

The result is almost invariably gasps of astonishment.

The words on the other side’s sheet are almost identical.

They read along the lines of:

Feeling respected and not looked down on

Feeling accepted and not excluded

Feeling safe and not threatened

Financial security; not having to worry about how to pay bills and being in debt 

Having food, both sufficient and tasty

Access to healthcare when sick

Being well sheltered from the elements, and not suffering from too much heat or cold

Being able to do those activities which are fulfilling and enjoyable

It goes without saying that the discussion between the sides after this is dramatically different. Resolution is usually close at hand.

We are all more similar than we might think.

How different would the world look if this commonality were a guide for everything we do?

Wishing you happiness and safety.

With love

Paul

PS As ever, I would love to read your thoughts, either in the Comments or in DM.